s e c r e t g a r d e n

reading "archetype of love", and i try to understand what happened in me today and in the past.

love has to be able to grow. the book told us about love but it can be relevant to career, life and others. there are several type, i've read innocent, orphan and pilgrim. the point is, everyone has to be on that phases to get a "ripe" or grown up. innocent is like a baby, a newcomer, sweet and afraid. orphan starts to ask about dissatisfaction, protests, doubtful (like teenager)-->but many adults can't go out from here! orphan dreams about something good who can save them.

then pilgrim, someone who asks about everything, they want to know about everything, go to everywhere. and hope to find the love or if they had, that love should be grown up. they has to find purpose. they wanna do everything on their way. but pilgrim can be failed to be orphan again.

i probably upset for every bad luck i have. instead those unlucky days, i found something new has happened. i saw several weird dreams! and i can still remember it, especially some 'important' details. i usually forget about my dreams. but it was extremely clear, the story has a plot, mostly about sad things. and makes me worried.

after couple of days, something bad really happened. and between those days there's something that urges me to write or think about dream catcher, dream interpret or dream reading. i never put any attention to it, however this one can disturb my activity. whatever, just a thought.

i won't do anything to respond, just wait and see. i'll keep it for my self.

Living under my bad luck stars, i decided to stop doing my activity. any of it. i didn't believe it at first. but why things go wrong at my hand? i don't wanna take a risk anymore, so i stopped any kind of things named works!

Give up? perhaps, but it's okay. i just take it in positive way, like spending my time with bit2 or reading several good books (with no hurry of course). time to heal, it's time to relax. prepare for next year, probably it will be better than today.

Just doing what i wanna do.

morning begins with nostalgic moment. i found a blog sold many old books (especially children story and comics). i directly sent to my childhood. what i remember is, back from school, i'll change my clothes with t-shirt and short pants. then i grab snack and drink (not good indeed), find cozy place (usually near telephone table, back of cupboard. and of course some of books, comics, or magazines. oohh...that's really heavenly. if i don't have anything to read, i re-read again my books. over and over.

so, when i looked again some pictures of old book. i wanna back again, i wanna feel that beautifully moment. with nobody who disturb me. why then we should be grown up? i wanna be kid forever, at least with my bitha, i'll be a kid again.

realizing this year isn't good based on chinese astrology. but i still try or kind of disbelief that prediction. well, that's true until this first semester. 5 neutral and 7 unfavorable months. here i am, everything seem lost from my grip. this week, oh everybody's sick including me. i can't do my job. okay... i accept all of this.

problems maybe never ended. one finish, another will come. then, life is only to solve every problem? or behind those hard problems there is a joy that unspeakable? yes, that's only a sweet word to cheer up myself.

i truly didn't like this. i just have no choice. so i even don't wanna think of it, i decide to flow with this. so. if you ask me 'why you look happy around these problems?'

God, i'm not! i just ignore what i feel. i try to forget what is fun what is sad. so i can walk through without any deep feeling in every my steps. even if it's too boring...

hope it's gonna be ended (time to make dreams)..

Something (maybe God) has urged me to learn about all things. now, He placed me between two things which i called higher and lower than me. so i am in between, do i have to choose one of them? not exactly, but i have to adapted and placing my self at the right moment. well, like a friend said, when you enter the crowd, be ready with many different characters of people.

I tried to flow with environment although sometimes i think i should have my own decision to exist my self. it's a different things maybe. then flexibility of our behavior is needed. also commitment. also continuity (don't mess it with boring routines). that's what i've got in my recent days. consistency is very important. but we need to be flexible too. you got me?

the bad news is, i feel hard to do that. well, i know my self, but we have people. then let them do it and i become their conductor. and this isn't easy at all. we should have responsibility and leadership skill.

so this is what i dreamed last night. i was climbing the broken old stair that can dumps me to the floor. wow it feels so hard and i was scared. i guess i've been on that condition, and i should be more confident and brave. my unconsciousness told me that.

back from holiday, but energy only a half. i try to rearrange my mind, what should i be. why i feel so exhausted? i think i love my job, any opportunities given to me. so why i turned to blue everyday and thinking i'm failed?

God, where are you.

i need to talk. i want to know what fit for me. i feel i'm starting to be weak.

so i decide to go. i'm afraid about tomorow, and the day after, and my days on the future. i just let it flow whatever it is. i am failed, i can accept the fact, i'm not that good.

i don't like this morning, it feels so dull. like i feel yesterday. i can't manage my self.