s e c r e t g a r d e n

I've read this blog and I don't recognize my self, is it me 10 years ago?

How sad I am. I was someone else, so different, so wierd.

Sometimes I don't understand what it means or who I've talked about. Not clear enough or maybe I've used a symbol, I want to cover something or I've just cannot say it whatever it is.

I was somebody who had close personality or very high profile so I won't open bad sides of me.

Very different than I am today, I am trying to be whatever I am. I wil say what I want to say. Really, I don't know myself on that writings.

But I am so grateful today, because my past life was so depressed and I cannot help it.  

kali ini aku merasa takut
ketika masa lalu datang membayang
padahal aku selalu penasaran dengan masa lalu
tapi sejarahku sendiri ingin kututup rapat lalu kubuang
bukankah ini ganjil?
menyukai sekaligus tidak menyukai
mengejar keingintahuan lalu menyesal

"biasanya kenangan sepahit apapun kelak jadi indah"
kata seorang teman, kemarin
seharusnya begitu, aku setuju
aku pernah menertawakan kesedihan yang sudah berlalu
aku juga biasa tersenyum bersama nostalgia yang manis
tapi entahlah, kali ini aku merasa takut

hari ini lagi-lagi berakhir tanpa melakukan aktivitas. hanya menunggu. saya membuang kekosongan pikiran dengan memikirkan hal lain. mengisi waktu dengan kegiatan yang tidak menyita energi, berjaga-jaga apabila ada perubahan mendadak. tapi lagi-lagi pikiran kembali terisi oleh keburukan. saya rentan kejahatan pikiran. terlebih jika situasinya menggantung tidak ada keputusan.

kejahatan itu datang seperti virus, menginfeksi pikiran-pikiran kosong. mengisinya dengan hal buruk. dan menghilang ketika aku padat aktivitas. penyakit nganggur. mengubah semangat menjadi sesal. optimisme dan keceriaan sirna. lalu malas berkepanjangan. apa maunya? saya harus memaksanya pergi.

i saw only darkness and dead end. then i made plans, i should continue my own life. he seems didn't care, i hope he'd think at least feel, if he admitted to have strong intuition. my days were chaos. i can't see something could help. i didn't know where God was. He angry, at last. in recent days. maybe.

and who can solve my puzzle?

who was right, who was wrong?

something i need to do is continue my old plans. instead of regretting my decision on the past. i don't like to think there was a huge thing that controls me. he urged me to follow it and bury my dreams. i've got to get up, let them away. i need enlightment give me a way out.

avoid things are my favorite words.

it's time to try new things in life. 3 years deadline are ahead.

I've been in very bad condition. really bad and getting worse everyday. I'm ruining my life and it's still going on.

Let's called it dark moments of me. Then I spend my time with reading a lot of books. any kind of them. I just follow my heart.. to seek something. to understand something, and they bring me to conspiracy stories. just a thought. but important, i think.

what is happened today, everything has reasons. no coincidence.

"dark ages, dark moment, need some lights. bring me to light."

dear God, I need to discuss this.

Loneliness kills me already. Everything's going chaos. I live only with me, no friends, no family, nobody.

Then, TV turns to magic for me. This box thing can company me, understand me, make me happy. I love it, it can be understood why housewife love to watch TV.. the series.. love stories.. handsome guy..

well people, it's very useful, to release stress

for me, it can make me happy for a while. at least, I'm not alone anymore.

Everybody's out there, listen! I think it's enough. don't make me more crazy, please. I'm mentally down, now.